Bad Days

Today I’ve had a bad day. Now, not actually today today – I’m writing this post on a Wednesday night in January to be published in a couple of weeks because I want to remind myself how easy it is to blow things out of proportion and while I’m not entirely proud of myself for how I got through it, I think I did pretty OK. And it’s always super easy to forget the little victories rather than celebrate them. While I’m not much in the mood for celebrating them today, I will hopefully be in a couple of weeks.

To read about my bad day, start here. To just get to the lesson and how I overcame, scroll down. Way down.

My morning started off around 4am when I was wide awake for no reason. My husband is travelling for work, and I’m home by myself with J. This means that being awake at 4am translates into every possible noise being an intruder and my heart racing, and it didn’t help that I got some bad news about a family member’s health the night before, I was worried about some work stuff and I am (shhh) somewhat afraid of the dark. While I did manage to doze back off somewhere around 6 – I was woken up at 6:11 by my son who proclaimed that it was morning. Yay small children. Boo being tired before the day officially beginning.

After racing out the door, I got to work with no incident and tried to reply to as many of the hundreds of unread e-mail messages in my inbox before heading to meetings with my new Department. While not getting into too many details, my job was reassigned from one Department to another. Which translates into getting to know a new team, a new boss and a new way of doing things. I normally thrive in these situations – and I’m sure I will here as well – I am stressed about the change because it is coinciding with my upcoming pending maternity leave where I won’t be around for a year to control my destiny. I know I have to let it go, but it’s hard. Yay new opportunities. Boo not being the one who chose them.

During the day, I got a call about the sick family member. News not good. Wish I could be closer to my family to help. Yay not living near my crazy, wild, ridiculous family. Boo not living near my crazy, wild, ridiculous family.

I left the office later than I normally do and rushed through traffic to get to daycare on time to pick up J. Called my regular lady date and found out she was going on a trip with another of her girlfriends – felt insanely jealous and like I was going to be replaced even though I know that is not true. Can’t help what you feel, right? Got to daycare and J had a good day and was full of energy. So full of energy that he refused to put on his own shoes and ran around like a wild person until I threatened to not feed him. Even then, he only agreed to sit still while I helped him with his shoes. (Side parenting note: I normally allow him to scream and whine until he eventually does it himself. I was not in the mood to wait 15 minutes while chatting to other parents today) Told him his dad was still away and he began to scream in the car wanting to see him. Cursed husband who hadn’t called home to talk to him in the days he had been away. Cursed him even more tonight when he still hasn’t called. Yay little people loving their parents. Boo husband who is attending fancy work dinners in the time little person wants to talk to their dad.

Next stop, I had a mystery package to pick up at the post office from a few days ago. My Post Office is literally in the worst parking lot known to mankind. It’s small, crowded, and you can barely navigate your car through the lanes, let alone the spots. I finally find one and gather up J to run from the car to the store in the now pouring rain. Get inside to discover that a) I have to pay COD duty fees on a package and b) the package is a 100 pound storage ottoman I bought on Amazon that should have been delivered by courier to my house. After paying the bill, the post office clerk tells me he can’t leave the store to help me with the package and it’s too heavy for him. After giving him a “really? It’s too heavy for you able bodied man but it’s OK for a 6 month pregnant woman with a toddler?” look he agreed to lend me the store dolly to get the package to my car myself. I did get the package to my car myself – insanely difficult to do while navigating a shitty parking lot with a toddler who has energy and wants to run in puddles, btw – and then had to try and squeeze it through the cars parked next to me to get to my trunk to put it in. I told J to stay exactly where he was and wait until I tried to move it to the back of the car. He heard “go to the back of the car”. When I got stuck halfway to the back of the car, I looked to him and he was gone. Screaming his name, in the pouring rain, I couldn’t find him. I fully freaked out, screaming his name and then hearing a “Mama!” yell from the back of the car where I had freaked him out. He ran to me, but tripped on a puddle and fell down in the rain and cut his hands. Picture it. Pouring rain, a visibly pregnant woman frantically holding onto a little person screaming about his cut hands like he had been lost, with a 100 pound storage ottoman cardboard box stuck between two cars. I finally managed to calm J down, get the box unstuck and get it to the trunk before beginning the process of hoisting a ridiculously heavy box into the car. I felt ligaments that are already weak and sore pull even more. Oh, and then we had to take the dolly back into the Post Office. When we got back to the car, I was soaking wet, my blowout was ruined and I had bought chocolate for J inside the store where the Post Office is because I needed him to be quiet for a few minutes. Yay package not getting lost in the mail. Boo package not getting lost in the mail.

When we got home, I hauled the box up the stairs to the house, rain still pouring. Inside, J began to yell because I couldn’t make the toy from his chocolate work (damn you, Kinder Surprise eggs and your cheap ass toys) and I tried really hard to not snap at the “Mama? Mama?? Mama???” questions coming from him. We finally got to unwrapping the ottoman and tried to move it to where it is going in the front foyer. In moving it, I put a huge scratch in the wood floors. Because, you know, today is a great day. While I tried to fix the scratch with the little repair kit, I realized J had taken the box and all the styrofoam from it and was playing with it. Pieces of styrofoam everywhere. The ones that have static cling and are ridiculously hard to get rid of too. Yay getting ottoman into house. Boo ottoman destroying wood floors.

Update from family – news is still not great, but not bad enough that I need to go home. Feel like crap I can’t help and am mad at the dynamics that make up my family for events of the day which I won’t hash out here now. Yay not needing urgent flight home. Boo feeling like crap.

Finally convince J to sit down and eat a frozen pizza with me. Let him have cupcake for dessert too. Yay peace and quiet for 5 minutes. Boo cupcake crumbs.

Discover dog is completely out of dog food. Have to open emergency earthquake dog food supplies. Yay emergency dog food supplies. Boo having to use said supplies when there has been no earthquake.

Finally get J to bed and come down to try and clean up styrofoam. Knock over the can of caffeine free Diet Coke I was treating myself to because I can’t drink an entire bottle of wine currently. Boo caffeine free Diet Coke. There is no yay here. I even managed a smile at this one – of course I’d spill a can of Coke today.

Cherry on top of the day? I’ve finally caught the cold that the children at daycare have been passing around for weeks. Yay immune system lasting out for a few weeks. Boo not being able to take cold and flu drugs.

So why am I proud of myself today? How do I think I did something that I want to remember, something that is worthy of remembering weeks from now?

I did not cry, even though I came pretty damn close a couple of times. I’m a big girl and can handle whatever life throws at me, even if I don’t think I can all the time. Extra bonus points for pregnancy hormones not pushing me over the edge.
I did not call my husband and yell that he has not called to say hello to his son since he’s been away. He’s travelling for work and I don’t want to bother him, even though I wanted to call and yell about the ottoman delivery, bitch about how hard it was to be alone and cry about stress of work and family situation. There is nothing he can do from far away, there is nothing good that will come from me making him feel terrible about not being here and I’ll tell him when he gets home on the weekend anyway. I am having a bad day, but I didn’t pass along the bad day to him.
Did I feed my kid the healthiest dinner? Nope. Did my dog deserve earthquake supply food? Nope. Are both of them fine? Yup. Did J get a story, brush his teeth and get a hug and a kiss before going to bed? Yup. Did the dog get to snuggle up next to me as I type this and a belly rub? Yup. No one is hurt, everyone knows they are loved and are now happily asleep in their nice warm beds.
I didn’t call and dramatize the family health situation which I thought about doing. Everyone handles this stuff differently, and it’s not my place to judge – publicly at least. Privately, I’m doing a whoooooole lot.
In a couple of weeks, I’ll laugh this day off. But I didn’t take it out on anyone, didn’t make anyone feel bad about it, didn’t share my pity party and most importantly, I was kind to myself.

I am proud of myself, and that is worth calling it maybe not the worst day on recent record.